are we really secure?

This may sound stereotypical and all but holla if ya hear me. Why is it that majority of security guards, on night shifts no less, are older than Methuselah? What the hell is he securing? I understand jobs are hard to come by and all but dude, this is security we’re talking about!

What’s the rationale? He’s older so more trustworthy? He’s not running anywhere? Well, he’s not running after anyone neither if that’s the case. I just look at these men and wonder, really, what is expected of them if any real danger occurred? A fist fight with the assailants? Shooting at them with blurred vision, probably causing more harm than good? What exactly are they securing? If anything, they make good comic relief in poor comedies but that’s about it. I do not doubt that he might have been the toughest SOB in the United States Marine Corps once upon a time; however, he is now much slower and weaker. While he may be able to fend off one or two, if these assailants are any good, he’s done for. And then he gets blamed, fired and probably arrested. It is rather odd.

Then let’s take it to the professional bodyguards. Really and truly, there is only so much they can do at the end of the day. They are willing to take a bullet on your behalf, and everybody knows that. Thus, it is no thing to take you and your client out. This ain’t no Kevin Costner flick! I am not calling them useless or unnecessary; however, there is only so much they can really do.

Now let me tackle Nigerian security. We are all prisoners in our own homes. Due to the gross insecurity prevailing in our nation, we are all caged wherever we live. High fences with your choice of iron spikes, barbed wire, broken glass or all three, fixed unto the top of them. Then, the windows are all sealed with ‘burglary proof’ iron cages to keep assailants out and, unfortunately, us in. Then, even with alarms fitted in; doors are still bolted and padlocked. It is such a palaver (I love that word, it is so British. Must be said with a British accent for full appreciation) I think. I remember a while back, my friend lost her mom and younger brother in anunfortunate fire incident where they couldn’t escape nor be rescued because of the bars. God bless their souls. Still.

This is a very serious issue I am touching on and I’m sure a lot of you will agree but it is my nature to always see the funny side of things. I’m going to give three of my favorite scenarios which are rather laughable but when you consider the undertones, it is rather sad.

3. Police Check-Point (who hasn’t had one of these)
We drive up, get frantically flagged down and the officer asks, “What do you have in your boot?”
“Nothing,” my friend replies.
“Ok. Carry on.”

I mean, what were we to say? “Oh, a car jack, wheel spanner, spare tire, N50 million and 3 human heads.”? What tha blog man!?! Word to Mona.

2. Silverbird Galleria Car-Jack
My cousin Oyinda was staying at my house and she had this cute lil’ Toyota we called Little Red Ridin’ Hood. So I, her and my boy Damola had planned to see a movie. Damola & I were together and she was to meet us there. She got in a bit late, so we had to see something else. I had seen the only movie we could watch so opted to go home. So I’d take Oyinda’s car and Damola would drop her at mine when they were done. She says I can’t miss the car and gives what I figured to be good directions (forgot she’s a woman), so I set off. I see the car and put the key in the lock but it won’t open. I struggle with it for a second but it doesn’t budge. I relax so as not to break the key in the lock. I try again but same. I realize how suspicious I must look at this point so relax again. However, a mobile policeman on hand and a security guard opt to help me out. We all try to no avail. It would be cruel to get Oyinda out just to open her car so I scratch that. Try a bit more and it finally opens. Crikey (RIP Steve Irwin)! I get in, sit down and feel weird immediately. Something just isn’t right. So after fiddling with a few things and spotting massive accounts text books in the back seat, no shoes around, no scattered CDs, no jersey draped over the seat; it dawns on me… I AM IN THE WRONG CAR! No wonder the key wouldn’t work. So, if I was a car-jacker, I could have been aided and abetted by security and police. I admit I am a retard but think about it. Oh, and Oyinda’s license plates had *269 KJA on it while this same model car was *69KJA, hence the HONEST mistake.

*not actual license plate numbers

1. Wannabe Secret Service
Not necessarily as bad as number 2 but you need to have seen this dude to understand why it’s my fave. An oversized suit, short tie and dark shades. So we’re (my bro and I) going to the State House Clinic in Abuja. We get to the gate and this dude jumps up, flags the car down and screws his mug something fierce like who the kcuf is you? So we’re like, ok. This is new. So he tries his fiercest Terminator voice: “Yes?” You should have seen his face and stance. It was like even the President would get bounced if he met with this dude. Then my bro replies, “I came to get my test results.” This is the point he asks to see some documentation, right? HELL NAW! He nods and signals them to raise the barrier. So my question is... how bored was dude?

Yep people, that’s our security for ya. So a parting word from your’s truly the REAL Don Chichi:

SECURE YA SHIT!!!

Blog Marley out like Ashley Cole from Highbury