Monday, December 18, 2006

the cost of pleasure revealed

Welcome to the “Director’s Commentary” section of this DVB (Digital Versatile Blog) where I, Blog Marley, breakdown the elements of Aida. First off, let me start by thanking you all for stopping by and taking in this edutational (figure it out pimpin’) piece. I really appreciate it. I got a lot of interesting feedback (both published and e-mailed) and it appeared that everyone got the overall gist of it but most of you seemed to miss the curveball thrown in there. That was what I was actually going for but I expected more people to get it (five at last count, of whom 4 are fam). All the requests for a sequel were really funny but the story is done and this “Director’s Commentary” will reveal all. The most interesting comment (not published) was from a friend who says the write up was ‘too didactic (look it up) and was pretty much accusatory instead of being amoral.’ I actually loved that comment because it showed one of/or two things: (either) he clearly didn’t get it or/and I clearly can’t write. Oh yeah; and that he’s a twat! (SMILE). Anyway, for whatever reason the seemingly obvious was missed, all will be revealed in:

Aida Uncovered

Here is the intro again, incase you needed a reminder:

This was originally a story about infidelity but things changed as I was writing, so I decided to kill two birds with one catapult and edutain like I like to do. It is now a story about infidelity gone wrong. (Like it was right in the first place). Enjoy… or not!

There were clues (maybe not so glaringly obvious) dropped throughout this post but it was written in such a way that it was just meant to be a story. The opening line:

This is the story of four great friends who grew up together, did everything together and always looked out for one another.

…was deliberately dropped to throw you off because you immediately focus on there being four characters. Then it continued along that path to further throw you off:

They were very different in character which is what made their relationship special and kept things interesting, ultimately sustaining their relationship.

The next bit was 50/50 as it appeared to throw you off more but conversely, the answers were right there in their names and occupations:

Brian was Head of a Human Resources firm; Sean, a reporter for The Observer; Hertz (Father Solomon to his congregation), a Reverend at the “House of Blessed Hearts” Church and Richie, a cocky actor.

Then it was back to throwing people off:

They were a bunch of numskulls who could never agree on anything, which they clearly knew, but they still always consulted each other regardless, on everything, before making a decision. They had made a pact to never let anything come between them and they had kept to it, sacredly, until now…

The word “numskulls” was another clue but I’m sure that one would have gone over everybody’s head but I put it in regardless. I will come back to that later. Then, the introduction of the subject matter:

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was five foot seven inches of lady loveliness named Aida. She was, as The Mask would say: SMOKINGGGGGGGGG!

There were subtle (probably not all obvious) clues in here too from her name to the mention of The Mask and one of his catch phrases. About The Mask, it signified mischief and a hidden personality, while the SMOKINGGGGGGG bit referred to the fiery nature of the affliction. How were you ever meant to guess that, right? Keep up fam’ly. Then I put it out there (kinda) with the next bit, detailing the flow of information:

Sean saw her first (he always spotted things first, maybe due to his journalistic instincts) at the media launch of some new product and as always, he passed on the information to Brian first, who would in turn brief Richie and the Preacher would always be last to know because they felt they could do without his ‘wise words.’

The ‘suspect’ grammar in the next sentence also served as an off clue as it jumped from singular to plural as opposed to following the same pattern:

They all had a woman in their lives…

More clues given away based on the reactions of each character:

She had noticed Sean taking notice of her at the earlier event… She liked what she saw and she was the type of woman that took what she wanted. She approached the crew and Brian tried to get them to compose themselves and play it cool. However, Sean couldn’t stop staring, Hertz thumbed his Rosary beads nervously and Richie couldn’t hide his excitement. Aida had them right where she wanted.

I was getting blatant with the clue dropping here as her actions in this paragraph pretty much give away the characters. Or so I thought:

A few drinks, shameless flirting and pointless banter later, Aida grabbed Richie and invited him over to her place; and his friends too. He almost spat out his entire drink at the sudden unbridled sincerity and suggestiveness of this temptress. He did dribble a bit and stain his pants which brought a naughty smile to her lips. “We’ll have to clean that up when we get to mine,” she teased. “Let me just dash to the little girls’ room real quick then we can blow this dump.” She kissed Brian’s forehead, stroked Sean’s temple and pinched Hertz’s chest; as if to re-emphasize her desire for all four, and then shimmied her pretty tushy towards the rest rooms. It gave them the opening they needed to have a quick huddle.

The next paragraph, pretty much summed it up, that is, if you had been catching it slowly from jump street:

Their huddles were always the same, with Brian, the smart one, always disagreeing with the brash sensibilities of Richie, at which point Hertz, the voice of reason, would try to play mediator, while the observant (no pun intended) Sean would try to put things in perspective.

Then, the general flow of the conversation, from what was said, by whom and how, shed further light on what type of character each was, no? I seem to think so but as I said, maybe my writing skills need a touch up. I however felt the dialogue had to be very descriptive of how those characters would most likely talk because some parties expressed concern with the explicit nature of some of the dialogue. I try to go for authenticity at all times. I am of the mind that if it helps tell the story, put it in. When all is revealed, I hope all will agree:

Brian: I won’t even sit here and try to lie to you guys, that lady is a fox and I so want to go back to hers but let’s think about this for a second.

Richie: Think? What the fuck is there to think about? She wants to fuck and that’s all that matters. Actually, I wanna fuck too!

Brian: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to as well…

Richie: So what the fuck we having this conversation for then?

Brian: Two words – girl & friend.

Richie: Oh, nigga please! What the fuck you gotta bring her up for?

Brian: Are you listening to yourself? You see a piece of ass and you forget her like that? Pastor, I think you need to pray for your friend.

Hertz: I understand from whence thou both spake, but tis not enough to fester ill feelings towards one another. She doth appear like the fairest of maidens but I sense a demon spirit within her…

Richie: See what you done smarty pants? You’ve let the loony Pas’a go off on one of his diatribes now. Talking demons and shit. Damn, if she got any, I need to be exorcising her ass; you know what I’m saying? Sheet!

Hertz: Mine friend, thou art right. Demon or angel spirit is not the case hither. However, I must concur with Brother Brian. Your love doth belong to another. Is it worth throwing away o’er a foolish pleasure?

Richie: I can’t believe you guys! I saw how you all looked at her, now you wanna get all righteous and shit. Sheet!

Sean: I have to agree with Dicky boy on that one though. Did you see how she strategically hiked her dress up to expose those spotless, hot legs? Or how she kept leaning in till we shared the same breaths? Tingling all over dude, for real! If y’all are seeing what I’m seeing, I say tap that and never look back.

Richie: Can I get an Amen Father Sol?

Hertz: Oh dear…

Brian: Listen to yourselves… you don’t even want to think about this thoroughly? She’s the hottest thing ever but do you want to throw a good thing away with Yvette?

Richie: Nigga, I ain’t gon’ tell Yvette shit and neither will any of you sorry ass mu’fuckas! We all took an oath and y’all know you want it! Am I lying, yo?

Hertz: The mind is strong but the flesh is weak…

Sean: You know I see your point and now, I see her walking back.

Brian: I do too but shouldn’t you…

Richie: Look nigga, that fine piece of ass is coming back this way and she wants us over at hers to do the nasty. That’s all that’s on my mind right now and I’m going, whether you coming or not. And that’s that mu’fucka. So who’s with me?

Hertz: I need to watch over you my easily excited friend. That is all that is e’er on your mind.

Sean: Yeah and I need to see this.

Brian: You just never listen. You are such a jackass! But we are boys and all in together, right? I don’t feel good about this but I guess I’ll have to go along with it. But Yvette man…

Richie: If you call her name one more time I’ma sock ya!

Aida: Shall we?

Another clue, I feel, is the mention of only Yvette, when the whole crew is tagging along. I felt it may get picked up on. Then the unfolding events of the next paragraph seemingly take you further into my twisted mind:

So, they all go back to her place. Richie gets into character and dives into it head first. Hertz can’t watch but he hears it all and cannot forgive himself. Sean looks at the episode unfold in front of him but often stops, as if to store the moment in his visual memory banks. Brian still doesn’t feel good about it but he has come along for the ride and has to live with the decision he has made… for the rest of their life.

The last line of that paragraph did it again. A singular pluralization. Coming from my head, I obviously know what’s up but just figured others would get it too with all the giveaways. Then the following paragraphs unraveling their travails, I felt, should help seal the deal. I guess this is where everybody made (or at least started to make) the Aida and AIDS correlation. I was hoping more would be discovered though, especially based on terms used in the narrative, especially in Richie and Brian’s paragraphs:

Everything is normal for the first few months after Aida but the drama slowly starts to unfold. It starts with Richie. Work isn’t going too well. Usually a rock solid performer, recently he just hasn’t been able to rise to the occasion when required and stunts he has pulled repeatedly over the years with the greatest of ease become more difficult and even painful. Mr. ‘Cock Diesel’ isn’t so cocky anymore.

Hertz is having problems with the congregation. He finds it hard facing them and speaking righteousness since the Aida incident. He feels like the scum of the earth and undeserving of his position. The effect on him is traumatizing. The group’s conscience has lost his. He has constant nightmares and doesn’t know who to turn to as he is afraid to look to God.

Sean has lost focus. He doesn’t see things like he used to and his work is affected. He misses things that are right there and keeps bumping into problems at every turn. He can’t explain it but he knows he doesn’t feel like he once did. The work is too strenuous and the bosses have started to notice his lack of insight all of a sudden. The point man is now walking blindly.

Brian begins to question his position. If he cannot manage his dearest friends, people he knows everything about, is he actually capable of dealing with total strangers? Is he really good at what he does? Self doubt and guilt overtake him. He cannot shake the events of that night… and these constant headaches.

Then I guess the closing paragraph was rather anti-climactic but I believe that’s the way I needed it to be, for that, “Oh no he didn’t!” or “What the …?” reaction and I did get it apparently, what, with all the sequel requests? At this point, some probably scoffed like, “Oh, it’s about AIDS!” or like my good friend who said I was preaching against ‘cheaters’. A pang of guilt, maybe? Ha ha. On a serious note though, I believe it was laced with clues all through but I will still uncover all in a second:

They have ignored the obvious for too long and decide to face their problems like they always have in the past – together. They seek professional help to look into their collective plight, as they all identified the same source of their problems – a fox named Aida.

They were prepared for bad news but instead, they got the worst…

Then the cinematic ‘opening credits’ touch seemed to do the trick as it threw people off even more, HOWEVER, it gave it all away! Even if you had missed it all the way through, there was no way you didn’t catch it after the opening credits were run! Allow me to explain after you go through them one more time:








So are you with me now? No? Okay. Well, I have titled it the Fall of Man which can signify mankind in general but I am talking about one man because there is only one man in this story and not four as the opening has led you to believe. But you knew this, right?

While the story touches on a possible consequence of infidelity, the initial premise and what I was really trying to present was the inner conversation a man would likely have with himself before straying; or even just approaching a female, period. So, as an inner conversation, it was broken into the main parts of the man that would likely have this discussion. This is where the numskulls bit comes in. Like I said, it probably went over everyone’s head but it was the name of a comic strip in The Funday Times (I believe) about the beings (numskulls) that lived inside a man, controlling his everyday activity.

Anyway, the dead giveaway in the opening credits highlights the parts involved and when you correlate them with the story, it should all be clear to you. Just in case, here is how the cast list would read:


(close spelling correlation)

(a play on ‘seen’)

Hertz a.k.a. Father Solomon
(a play on ‘Sol’, short form of Solomon)

(short for ‘Richard’ as is ‘Dick’)

With this VIVID picture (not the porn company you perv) now painted, revisit the story and replace each character with the corresponding body part and then, the mystery of Aida should finally be uncovered. I hope. Here's the link again so you do not have to travel far: AIDA.

Have fun and thanks once again for viewing my DVB.

Blog Marley out like unprotected sex. Stay strapped ya’ll.


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

the tribal dance II

I know I have left this hanging in the balance longer than is necessary and for this, I apologize. Funny thing is; this follow up is probably not what you’ve been expecting. There isn’t much left to the tale really, only the issues raised by it have me continuing on. Like I said, I was rather irritated by the whole thing, which is why I stopped in the first place. I figured if I gave it a while, it would blow over and I’d be cool. Unfortunately, each time I think about it or it is brought up by someone else, my anger just resurfaces. However, this anger has been replaced by pity. I really do feel sorry for her. Honestly. I will come back to that eventually but first, I must get into character and present to you:

The Beast from the East!

Ok, where were we? Right; being Igbo. Yes, she said to me that my shortcoming (we will call it that for now) was being Igbo. I was watching an important (to me anyway) NBA Playoff game, thus my attention was divided and I refused to be upset by anything other than LeBron James’ disappearing act when it mattered most. Irrelevant but I’m a ranter - deal with it! Anyway, the statement did register but unfortunately, responses did not follow immediately because of my preoccupation with the game.

As the story goes, I was truly taken aback by her response. Even Spiderman’s sixth sense couldn’t have seen that one coming. Not her. No. She can’t be like that, can she? Oh my… how dreadfully upsetting; word to Jafar! I was rather gobsmacked but kept my composure as she went on to defend herself.

“I know it sounds crazy,” she said. Ya damn skippy it sounds crazy missy! “But it’s my parents.” Your parents? How’d they get involved in this? “I know they would not approve and that’s just the truth.” Truth hurts, eh? (Just ask the artist – she got dropped from Aftermath… HARD)! “Not like we’re getting married or anything.” Bet yo bottom dollar we ain’t. “But they just think it’s a waste of time, at my age (then 25, maybe older now, this sequel is long overdue you know, kinda like Basic Instinct 2 but hopefully better) dating someone I won’t end up marrying.” We done jumped from talking to dating to marrying to breaking up/divorcing in all of 30 seconds? Damn she fast! “I know you are more Yoruba than Igbo and all that but you are still Igbo and… it just sucks, really.” Wow. Uh, ok. Well, nobody said we have to date (I am still a guy you know) so… “And I will not do under-G!’’ Yes ma’am! Ok, this is… I don’t even know what to call it but… OH LEBRON YOU GIT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!? Sorry ma. Anyway, I hope you know this is going to make things rather odd between us and talking/hanging will be rather difficult (we have only seen twice since then and exchanged ‘hi’s’ once). “Oh Chinedu, stop being so over dramatic!”

OH, HELL NAW! Over dramatic you say? Right! “Um, maybe I should leave you to watch your game and we’ll talk later.” Best thing you’ve said all night ma.

And that’s how it went down. I was dumbfounded but Cleveland was throwing away a golden opportunity to register one of the greatest upsets in sports history. I’m not serious myself. Worrying about a multimillion dollar earning kid instead of taking what had just happened into account. For what it is worth, each to his own, right? She has every reason to take whatever stance she wants to, regardless of what anybody else says. However, that seems to be the problem here – she is going on what somebody else has said! I know these are her parents we are talking about here but you need to draw the line at some point or forever be under their influence, right? Yes, living under their roof you need to follow their rules and stuff, however, if you continue to succumb and go ‘yes sir, yes ma’am’ like clockwork, you may just find yourself under that roof for longer than is socially acceptable. This is, of course, only if your wishes don’t fall in line with their “instructions.” I have to go back to my cousin Dikko from part one on this issue.

See, he was dating this Yoruba chick (remember he’s the All-Nigerian guy with four types of Naija in him), real nice girl that everyone loved and got along with. However, the only snag was that her parents weren’t exactly with it and it put a huge strain on her relationship with both her boyfriend and her parents. I commend her because she put her foot down and fought her parents on the issue, arguing that their attitude nullified her foreign adventure of education and self expansion if she was brought back only to adhere to some traditional musings. Her parents were just not too excited that their only daughter would bear an Igbo last name. However, my good man felt that at his age (he’s in his 30s), he couldn’t be dealing with such issues where he knew he wasn’t welcome in his girlfriend’s home, so he had to call it off. It was an emotional period but it had to happen. Everyone has since moved on and they are both happily dating (both Yoruba partners) people it appears, by GOD’s grace, they will end up marrying.

So I can just imagine how he felt when I text him the news later that evening. He called me back so upset and didn’t even know what to say. It is that frustrating. He really took it personally, on my behalf, to the extent that he sent me the following texts out of the blue while I was at work the next morning:

Dude just thought about what you told me yday,be proud of your igbo heritage & fuck anyone that doesn’t accept you.You’re far better than them.Laters mate.


Dude,i’m sick & tired of being treated like we got a disease cos we igbo.No more excuses,i’m Igbo and proud!So should you be my lil brother.It’s all good.

Those messages picked me up that day but also put me deep in thought and that is when I became grateful to this lady. She had helped me realize that my truth in jest about my heritage was not the way to go. Regardless of where my lineage may come from, I should be proud. However, I have never denounced (as in really given it the middle finger) my Igbo roots. That has been done for me by “real” Igbo people who take pride in calling me fake or an “ngbatigbati” boy. It has been an issue all my life as yo where I fit in. Igbo people say I am not one of them because I do not speak the language; Yoruba people say I am not one of them because my name is Chinedu Iroche.

With that in mind, her statement was not new to me. What was weird was that a very bright, smart, interesting individual could say that. My ears, ego and sanity would have preferred if she danced around it or straight up lied even but my soul is alleviated because she told me the truth and I thank her for it. Honestly. So my stance now or rather my question would be: how can I get mad now if a white man should call me a nigger? I did not say nigga, mind you – nigger! I ask this because this is on the level of race now. It is termed as a racist comment or racial taunt/slur. So how can I even try to tackle a racial issue when I cannot even ascend to the level of dealing amongst my race because I cannot get across tribal divides? I will tell the white man to wait in line for a few hundred years and hopefully, the tribalistic mentality that is suffocating my country would have been sorted by then, at which point I can now get back to him an kick his ignorant ass – walking stick and all!

It pisses me off on the daily to hear petty tribal issues being escalated because of the world’s most dangerous disease – ignorance. The current political climate makes me sick to my stomach when I hear statements about it being the turn of this region or that region. All I have to say to that (forgive me blog heads) is FUCK YOU & YOUR TURN! How about it’s the turn of someone ready to make a change? How about it’s the turn of someone that actually gives a damn? If he comes from Afghanistan and can do the job, put that man in the Villa pronto and fuck you and your turn just in case you missed it first time out!

This is the reason I left this blog unfinished for so long because I hate the place it takes me to. People may say I am taking it too seriously but it is a bloody serious issue. Race, creed or color, yes have to be taken into account, but are not valid reasons for discrimination. If you are not ready to live with and accept every type of human being, I learnt a new planet was discovered recently, so get the fuck off mine! Be a human being first and everything else follows. Embrace your heritage but respect others’. If a Muslim Hausa girl possesses everything I have ever looked for in a woman and she loves me just as I love her, why can’t we be together? Yes I know there are a lot of things to be taken into consideration but that is what life is about – complications! We go through these things to make us stronger and build character – it is what many like to call growth.

I have said enough and hope that underneath all my anger, I have been able to make sense. I just revisited some unhappy memories I could have done without in these trying times I am going through right now but like I said complications-character building-growth. That’s the way I’m living.

So thank you madam, you know who you are, for making me realize that I was holding myself back for no apparent reason. I really appreciate it and hope you can come to see people for who they are and be brave enough to fight the power that be a la Public Enemy. For what it’s worth though, you should have hit me with the “I love you like a brother” line that every other chick has thrown my way, at least that way we would still be friends. I hope that we can still be but knowing what I know, it will be a struggle. I have forgiven but I will never forget. That’s just the way it is.

My name is Chinedu Oluwayomi Iroche and I am a human being. To know me is to love me.

Good night.

Some work to what they believe is the best of their ability because they are working to the best of their knowledge. Ignorance is bliss but also carries death's kiss.
- Chinedu Oluwayomi IROCHE, 2006

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

03 bonnie & clyde still alive?

This post is something that has been weighing on my mind for a minute and with a few things I have seen here and there, as a human being, it is only right I speculate. Ever since The Blueprint²- The Gift & the Curse's "'03 Bonnie & Clyde", word on the street is that Jay-Z & Beyonce are indeed an item. The song had the duo clearly saying the "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" word but other than that, neither one has come clean outright, in 3 years no less, to confirm that they are actually dating.

However, a man and woman (even siblings) can only be so close; for if these two are indeed just very good friends, Halle and Denzel need to donate their Oscars to them pronto! Since "Lost Ones" from Jay's new album, Kingdom Come leaked unto the streets, its second verse has had debates raging from Marcy to Mongolia as to the status of Hip Hop's golden couple (Will & Jada rep for black Hollywood). Did they breakup or is the couple still in tact? I have mused on this issue for a minute but it is my strong belief that they are still (that is if they ever really were) together. Here are my 2 cents on the whole issue from jump street.

lost ones
The verse on that track covers what I had screamed about from Day one. The age difference and career positions of these two individuals had to play a major part in their relationship. My argument was, Jay was 34 at the time and B was 22. He had achieved virtually all he could hope to achieve in his career and was touted as the King of Hip Hop. B had shared the spotlight with her band members for years, and her solo start was about to shine. She was poised to ascend the throne as the Queen (no disrespect to Mary J. but the world is round and it does revolve too) of R&B. So in essense, what do you have? A man getting on in years that has to be thinking family and a young girl coming into her own that is thinking world domination. Plus, in today's fickle vanity driven entertainment world, looks play an all important role. Besides being eye candy for male (and numerous females too) the world over, Beyonce is also an energetic performer, so staying in shape is top on her priority list. The last thing she'll be thinking of is a rugrat or two to slow her down. Not just yet.

So at that point in time, I had already seen a crack in their union, however, they appeared to stick it through. As they say, the true meaning of love is sacrifice, so seemingly, Young Hova appeared to be the party doing more of the compromising. Through These Eyes features another perspective on this issue in her blog, which I find interesting so you could take a peek. It also includes the lyrics to the song. Moving on, according to TTE, Jay said on the radio that the song was written two years ago and that's how he was feeling at the time. Based on this, TTE looked at it as Hov airing out their business and making Beyonce look bad. I understand how someone could arrive at that conclusion but I have to disagree. If anything, it makes Jay-Z look selfish for not sticking around to watch her "mature", as he calls it, into the star she is becoming. Remember I said if anything. From where I stand, it is perfectly normal for people to go through such things in relationships. As for the "calling her out" bit, this is what artistes do. Music is their form of expression and Kingdom Come is a very personal album where Jigga tries to connect with the listener. "Lost Ones" is a very personal song and details issues he has not really spoken about before, so the Beyonce verse, if anything, details how he almost lost one, even though it may not have been said that way. The verse just goes to show that, even though they are in the public glare, they go through it too. This can easily be a chick rising in th executive ranks and her entrepreneur boyfriend having this convo. It is perfectly normal.

"Lost Ones" is a valid source for concerned but that's just how it is with this things. You can't just hear it to get it. You need to listen.

Then there were the rumors of Jay-Z's infidelity (and a Beyonce/50 Cent one did the rounds in brief when 50 was hot) with his Def Jam recording artist, Rihanna and 106 & Park's original VJ, Free.

I can understand where the Rihanna rumors would come from. First of all, she's an attractive female with some talent and also, one of Jigga's top prospects. Regarding the latter, the promise he sees in the young songstress makes it understandable that he'd be around her quite a lot, nurturing her talent but the former, is what would lead many to voice opinions that the hours spent together are not strictly business. Artists draw inspiration from various sources, so Beyonce might actually have written "Ring The Alarm" off of the Rihanna rumors but not necessarily about the Barbados representer. You never know. However, if the verse from "Lost Ones" is anything to go by, then it would be redundant to leave B for the younger Rihanna, no? That is not to say that he didn't hit it though...

As for Free, she allegedly carried his baby and he addressed it on "Trouble" from his new album:

"So I ain't gon make a move unless I got a Plan B/that'll happen the day I have a baby by Free/not to say that anything is wrong with Free/Just to say that ain't nothing wrong with me/If my hand's in the cookie jar, know one thing/I'ma take the cookie, not leave my ring..."

That pretty much sums it up but once again does not make it any clearer whether he went deep sea diving or not.

blog marley's personal madness
In addition to what I wrote earlier in lost ones, I also had some crazy little theory of my own:

For the Thisday Music Festival, apparently, Beyonce had it written into her contract that she had to be the headliner at the event and she was slated to perform on the same day as her "boyfriend" a seemingly bigger star. She did get her wish but to her own detriment as Iceberg Slim blew all competition off the stage in his hour plus set. He didn't take the stage for "Deju Vu" or "Crazy In Love" and that was a personal disappointment to me. Jay-Z has always claimed to be a competitive performer out to out-do everyone else but this just seemed more personal. There was also the rumor that he was slated to perform for half and hour but he was out there for closer to two hours. Kinda like saying, "you ain't shit without me B", no? What do I know, eh?

parting shot
All in all, I believe that all is well in the world of Hov & B and people really have nothing to worry about. We are human beings, so we will speculate and let's be honest, we enjoy these things. However, if they did break up, really, how does it affect the rest of our lives? These are two individuals who know why they are together or not. They are entertainers but they are meant to entertain us with their talent and not their personal lives. However, like their latest collabo off Kingdom Come, "Hollywood", clearly denotes, they know what they are in for. I leave you with excerpts from a Jay-Z interview from XXL Magazine and pictures of the happy couple (the last one is rather funny, with Beyonce looking like there is nothing to smile about once she's out of the public eye).

Be good now.

BM out like curfew!

XXL: On a new song, “Beach Chair” you talk about leaving it all to your unborn child, when are you gonna settle down?
Jay-Z: I’m not ready yet. I’m still moving. I still got things to accomplish. The worst shit is to be too busy and miss all your kids’ firsts. First walk, first school, all that shit. You’re not gonna be a bum, you wanna at least be in the state.

XXL: You made it cool in hip-hop to have a girlfriend.
Jay: I only made it cool to say it. Niggas already had girlfriends. They just didn’t wanna say it. I didn’t claim it, they just knew what it was.

XXL: But you’re protective of it though, which is the cool thing. I mean, your private life should stay private.
Jay: The only time your relationship means anything to people that don’t give a shit about you, is when you get together, have a baby or break-up. All the in-between is bullshit to cause something else to happen. They’re trying to fuck your shit up. Why even feed into the gossip?

XXL: Still the longevity of the relationship took away the secrecy of it. Now it’s out there, do you feel like it has affected you?
Jay: I’m not lying about it, I just talk around it or don’t discuss it at all. I’m not rude about. I could just be like, “Shut the fuck up.”

XXL: It must be a trip though with all the attention. The Paparazzi wolves is out.
Jay: It’s part of the game. No regrets. I love it. If you don’t have that negative aspect to fend off, then how do you do it? Something to fight against.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

are we really secure?

This may sound stereotypical and all but holla if ya hear me. Why is it that majority of security guards, on night shifts no less, are older than Methuselah? What the hell is he securing? I understand jobs are hard to come by and all but dude, this is security we’re talking about!

What’s the rationale? He’s older so more trustworthy? He’s not running anywhere? Well, he’s not running after anyone neither if that’s the case. I just look at these men and wonder, really, what is expected of them if any real danger occurred? A fist fight with the assailants? Shooting at them with blurred vision, probably causing more harm than good? What exactly are they securing? If anything, they make good comic relief in poor comedies but that’s about it. I do not doubt that he might have been the toughest SOB in the United States Marine Corps once upon a time; however, he is now much slower and weaker. While he may be able to fend off one or two, if these assailants are any good, he’s done for. And then he gets blamed, fired and probably arrested. It is rather odd.

Then let’s take it to the professional bodyguards. Really and truly, there is only so much they can do at the end of the day. They are willing to take a bullet on your behalf, and everybody knows that. Thus, it is no thing to take you and your client out. This ain’t no Kevin Costner flick! I am not calling them useless or unnecessary; however, there is only so much they can really do.

Now let me tackle Nigerian security. We are all prisoners in our own homes. Due to the gross insecurity prevailing in our nation, we are all caged wherever we live. High fences with your choice of iron spikes, barbed wire, broken glass or all three, fixed unto the top of them. Then, the windows are all sealed with ‘burglary proof’ iron cages to keep assailants out and, unfortunately, us in. Then, even with alarms fitted in; doors are still bolted and padlocked. It is such a palaver (I love that word, it is so British. Must be said with a British accent for full appreciation) I think. I remember a while back, my friend lost her mom and younger brother in anunfortunate fire incident where they couldn’t escape nor be rescued because of the bars. God bless their souls. Still.

This is a very serious issue I am touching on and I’m sure a lot of you will agree but it is my nature to always see the funny side of things. I’m going to give three of my favorite scenarios which are rather laughable but when you consider the undertones, it is rather sad.

3. Police Check-Point (who hasn’t had one of these)
We drive up, get frantically flagged down and the officer asks, “What do you have in your boot?”
“Nothing,” my friend replies.
“Ok. Carry on.”

I mean, what were we to say? “Oh, a car jack, wheel spanner, spare tire, N50 million and 3 human heads.”? What tha blog man!?! Word to Mona.

2. Silverbird Galleria Car-Jack
My cousin Oyinda was staying at my house and she had this cute lil’ Toyota we called Little Red Ridin’ Hood. So I, her and my boy Damola had planned to see a movie. Damola & I were together and she was to meet us there. She got in a bit late, so we had to see something else. I had seen the only movie we could watch so opted to go home. So I’d take Oyinda’s car and Damola would drop her at mine when they were done. She says I can’t miss the car and gives what I figured to be good directions (forgot she’s a woman), so I set off. I see the car and put the key in the lock but it won’t open. I struggle with it for a second but it doesn’t budge. I relax so as not to break the key in the lock. I try again but same. I realize how suspicious I must look at this point so relax again. However, a mobile policeman on hand and a security guard opt to help me out. We all try to no avail. It would be cruel to get Oyinda out just to open her car so I scratch that. Try a bit more and it finally opens. Crikey (RIP Steve Irwin)! I get in, sit down and feel weird immediately. Something just isn’t right. So after fiddling with a few things and spotting massive accounts text books in the back seat, no shoes around, no scattered CDs, no jersey draped over the seat; it dawns on me… I AM IN THE WRONG CAR! No wonder the key wouldn’t work. So, if I was a car-jacker, I could have been aided and abetted by security and police. I admit I am a retard but think about it. Oh, and Oyinda’s license plates had *269 KJA on it while this same model car was *69KJA, hence the HONEST mistake.

*not actual license plate numbers

1. Wannabe Secret Service
Not necessarily as bad as number 2 but you need to have seen this dude to understand why it’s my fave. An oversized suit, short tie and dark shades. So we’re (my bro and I) going to the State House Clinic in Abuja. We get to the gate and this dude jumps up, flags the car down and screws his mug something fierce like who the kcuf is you? So we’re like, ok. This is new. So he tries his fiercest Terminator voice: “Yes?” You should have seen his face and stance. It was like even the President would get bounced if he met with this dude. Then my bro replies, “I came to get my test results.” This is the point he asks to see some documentation, right? HELL NAW! He nods and signals them to raise the barrier. So my question is... how bored was dude?

Yep people, that’s our security for ya. So a parting word from your’s truly the REAL Don Chichi:


Blog Marley out like Ashley Cole from Highbury

Friday, August 18, 2006

calling dr. dre & ed lover

There are a lot of people we look up to in this world and class as superstars, famous and even infamous. We forget that they are human beings like us, born of man and woman just like the rest of us but yet, we treat them like demigods, just because they dared to be different. Believe it or not, that could be any of us on any given Sunday. However, since we all can’t (rather, refuse to) be superstars, I was wondering and chose to seek the opinion of the people on a vital issue. Of these demigods, who’s the boss? In popularity, significance etc. Ever thought about it? I mean really thought about it? They are in essence, the icons of our time. I have created a shortlist but would more than welcome your insight and GOD in any form does not count as he made us all, plus it would be utterly disrespectful to count HIM amongst mere mortals who have nasty habits. Yuck!

So with all this in mind people, go right ahead and read through my selections (in no particular order mind you) and comment, criticize, crucify, commend, educate or hate as you please but do join me; help me in deciding:

Who’s The Man?

Michael Jackson (middle name: Joseph)
I don’t really feel any explanation is necessary here. He ruled the world in the 80s and we can’t seem to stop talking about him regardless of how crazy we might all think he is. If you wanna claim that this Dangerous, Bad Thriller never Rocked Your World, just Beat It!!!

Honorable mention: Janet Jackson, Diana Ross, Lionel Richie, Whitney Houston, R. Kelly (R. for Robert)

Pele (given name: Edson Arantes do Nascimento)
If an entire country pauses a civil war for 48hrs just to watch you kick a ball, then you must be somebody. Nuff said!

Honorable mention: Franz Beckenbaur, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Roberto Baggio, Michel Platini

Diego Maradona (middle name: Armando)
The reason I wrote this thing in the first place. I watched a documentary on him last weekend and he spoke on how he isn’t touted as the greatest ever because of his “extra-curricular” activities; and it was funny how he said “because I don’t wear a tie.” It also said only two men are considered to have ever won the World Cup single handedly – Garincha of Brazil in 1958 and Maradona in 1986.

Bob Marley (RIP) (given name: Robert Nestor Marley)
Iron. Like a Lion. In Zion.

Bruce Lee (RIP)
How do you spell – waataaaah!

Honorable mention: Jackie Chan

Elvis Presley (RIP)
He lived way before my time but the fact that you just can’t get away from dude! Most impersonated person on the planet counts for something and heck, I like his music. He made rock n roll his!

Honorable Mention: Jimmy Hendrix

The Beatles (John Lennon (RIP), Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr & George Harrison)
Many seem to forget that this was a quartet of English boys who conquered the world with bubblegum pop. English boys!

Honorable mention: Backstreet Boys

Malcolm X (RIP)
X marks the spot.

Martin Luther King Jr. (RIP)
When Jay-Z rapped: “I’m comfortable dawg/Brooklyn to Rome/or any Martin Luther…” it was in reference to the fact that there is a Martin Luther King Boulevard everywhere!

Nelson Mandela
Men go to jail and can't find jobs when they are released. He became the President. Big up yaself Madiba!

Muhammad Ali (given name: Cassius Clay)
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee? Rumble in the Jungle? A dude called G.O.A.T. but has MAD respect? Do you understand the words coming out my… fingers?

Honorable mention: Rocky Marciano (RIP)

Frank Sinatra (RIP)
Old blue eyes did it his way and we loved him for it.

Pope John Paul II (RIP)
The Pope will always be world famous but JP Deuce was special. No disrespect to Benedict XVI and all the others but there will only be one Don P!

Michael Jordan (middle name: Jeffrey)
The most significant words in sporting history? “With the 3rd pick, in the 1984 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls pick, Michael Jordan out of North Carolina.” Arguably. The man defied gravity and human understanding as he revolutionized professional sports entertainment and changed it forever. The most exciting words in sports history? “And now, at guard, 6’6”, from North Carolina, Michael Jordan.” Possibly.

Honorable mention: Shaquille O’Neal, Carl Lewis, Florence Griffith-Joyner (RIP), Michael Schumacher

Magic Johnson
No, his parents did not name him Magic. They christened their son Earvin. He didn’t pull rabbits out of hats but he made seven footers appear invisible. Apparently overcame HIV… now that’s a magic Johnson!

Tiger Woods
Golf used to be a game for rich white pensioners. You know the rest.

Honorable mention: Venus & Serena Williams

Mike Tyson
The roughest, toughest SOB out there. Fighting or biting. Youngest Heavyweight champion ever.

Quincy Jones
He was the main brain behind “We Are The World” and set one Wacko Jacko off into the world as the King of Pop! Must count for something, no?

Honorable mention: Ray Charles (given name: Ray Charles Robinson) (RIP), Stevie Wonder (given name: Stevland Judkins), Sir Elton John

Oprah Winfrey
A single black female that can talk to whoever she wants, say whatever she wants, go wherever she wants, buy whatever she wants? What more do you want? Especially if the world has you on singular name basis?

Honorable mention: Bill Cosby

Madonna (given name: Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone)
“You know that we are living, in a material world and I am a material girl.” Honesty is the best policy. The living, breathing poster child for not giving a kcuf!

Honorable mention: Britney Spears, Robbie Williams

David Beckham
The best right foot in the world! In the annals of fame, however, his football career is secondary.

Hulk Hogan (given name: Terry Bollea)
“I am a real American. Fight for the rights of everyman!” “So what you gonna do… when Hulkamania runs wild on you?” Larger than life superstar that had us all loving wrestling, even after we found out it was fake!

Clint Eastwood
The original tough talking, slow walking, gun slinging, tobacco chewing, world's meanest SOB. How the west was really won.

John Wayne (RIP)
The blueprint on Real American Heroism. Yee Haw!

Eminem (given name: Marshall Mathers)
The Elvis of rap. Took black people’s music and did it better than 98% of them. “’Cause I am, whatever you say I am, ‘cause if I wasn’t, why would I say I am?”

Honorable mention: 50 Cent (as much as I hate to admit it) (given name: Ms. Curtis Jackson)

2Pac (given name: Tupac Amaru Shakur) (RIP)
The voice of a generation.

Honorable mention: Snoop Dogg (given name: Calvin Broadus)

The Notorious B.I.G. (given name: Christopher Wallace) (RIP)
The Greatest Rapper of All Time and off of only two albums. However, after careful debate (with self), he makes this list because he will be forever associated with 2Pac. That’s just me being real!

Honorable mention: Jay-Z (given name: Shawn Carter)

Bill Gates
Money makes the world go round. He has the most. Next!

Honorable mention: Donald Trump

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Young Arnie’s to-do list:
- Become Mr. Universe √
- Become a famous actor √
- Become President of the United States of America – Well, he is the Governator of California. Not bad fo a farm boy from Austria, eh?

Honorable mention: Sylvester Stallone

Elizabeth Taylor
The original superstar diva and chronic bride.

Marilyn Monroe (RIP)
Short white dress + Air vent + D-Train = the original sex symbol.

John F. Kennedy (JFK) (RIP)
The original superstar President.

Bill Clinton
“I did not have sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky.”

Monica Lewinsky
Author of How to blow (your) job. Obviously just kidding before you googlers get to googling!

Ronald Reagan
I just like dude and as an American President, instantly famous and important!

The Windsors
English Royal Family for those who are not in the know. From Mama Lizzie to Charlie to Lady Di (who died apparently) to Willy Willy to ‘arry (might as well be Potter). Oh, you know about Papa Duke? Mama Charlie’s husband? Or he doesn’t count?

Margaret Thatcher
No nonsense female PM of England. Home of the pound sterling. World’s strongest currency. The reason Nigerian’s need visas to enter the UK. Some twat rubbed her the wrong way.

Spice Girls (Geri “Ginger” Halliwell, Melanie “Scary/Crazy/Mel B” Brown (one time Melanie “Scary/Crazy/Mel G” Gulzar), Melanie “Sporty” Chisholm, Victoria “Posh” Beckham (nee Adams) & Emma “Baby” Bunton)
Admit it. You know all the words to Wannabe and sing along. Possibly the world’s most successful gimmick ever. GIRL POWER!

Fela Anikulapo-Kuti (RIP)
Genius. I don’t know what else to say?

Idi Amin
“You call Ugandan money shit money? Malamingu, take him outside and show him what we do to shit.” Possibly Tyson’s inspiration for ear chomping.

Honorable mention: Muammar Gaddafi

Fidel Castro
Cubano Mafioso.

George Bush
Operation Desert Storm.

George W. Bush
Original King of Comedy.

Saddam Hussein
Weapon of mass destruction.

Osama bin Laden
Planet Earth’s most wanted. Do we have a winner perhaps?

Well folks, that’s my take. What do you think? Here’s my back… feel free to pat it or stab it. Also, not all the notes underneath the names are descriptive because I believe everyone should know them anyway, hence their inclusion. The honorable mentions are those people I feel have done or are doing their thing but are not quite as awe-inspiring as the others. Agree? Now this is the part where you do your thang thang.

Out like (visible) military rule in Nigeria. The index and the middle!